This is a note I wrote recently for myself and for a bunch of supportive family and friends. I thought I'd share it here too.
Thursday - March 12, 2009 I woke up to what I thought was going to be a normal day. . . But when I went to the restroom first thing in the morning, that all changed. I wiped and there was blood. At first, I didn't panic...I know sometimes it's normal for some people to bleed. I called Chris into the bathroom to show him, we agreed that I should call my midwife so I tried to call her, but didn't get ahold of her until after 1pm. I called her several times but no answer. Finally I called my friend who used the same midwife and she gave me her pager number. I called her pager and she immediately called me back from her home phone. I told her what was going on and we arranged for me to come see her that evening. I could tell she hadn't had much sleep, she sounded very tired and grumpy...she just wasn't pleasant on the phone. She told me never to call her pager again unless I'm in labor. As if I wasn't already having a rough day, that just topped it off...I hung up with her and started crying for quite some time. A few hours later, my friend called me and told me that the midwife called her and yelled at her for giving me her pager. Wow....right? Well, while I was on the phone with her, the midwife called me so I answered it, thinking "OK, she is calling me to apologize." I was wrong. She was calling to tell me that I wouldn't be able to see her that night because she thought she would have to be delivering a baby. She told me very bluntly, "What is probably happening is you are having a miscarriage." I couldn't believe what I was hearing...who wants to hear that over the phone? Who wants to hear that at all? I couldn't hardly handle it. I tried to listen as she was telling me what my body was going to experience. She told me to go into a room by myself and lay down and if I felt like what she was telling me was right, then she was probably right, but if I didn't feel like she was right, then she would be happy for me. I asked her if I should go to the ER and she just told me that it was up to me and that if I did choose to go, that they would just find a baby with no life. I asked her if I would owe her any more money, and she said, "after this is all over with, just send me fifty bucks." I don't think I need to send her anymore money. I gave her 100 dollars and only saw her once. I'm sad about my experience with her because my first visit with her was amazing and I really liked her. I have two good friends that just think the world of her and love her to death. I know she has had a rough life herself. I know she was overly tired... But I also know there is no reason to treat someone like she treated me. I was very disappointed.
After that phone call, I realized I needed to see some doctor. It was too late to go to a clinic or a normal doctor, so my husband and I headed to the ER...this was the last thing I wanted to do, because we do not have insurance. We left the house around 5:40 pm and got to the ER around 6 pm. We went to St. Francis and I couldn't be more pleased with how everyone was so kind and friendly. One of my best friends (Megan) met me at the hospital. She sat with us the whole time and was there for us. It was so nice of her and I will never forget that. I had people all day and evening thinking of me and praying for me...you ladies are all so amazing. While in the ER, I had to have blood drawn and several other things done...They gave me a catheter to get a clean urine sample and for the vaginal ultrasound. Two different nurses tried to find the baby's heartbeat. The first doppler was not working, but the second one did. She tried to stay positive and told me that "sometimes it's just too early to hear it." Then another lady came in and did a quick ultrasound. I could tell things weren't looking right. The baby was too small. She told me we should wait til the professional ultrasound tech. was there to confirm anything. While we waited, I had a vaginal exam done and they told me that my cervix was still closed, which was a good sign. I started to have a little hope again, but still didn't want to get my hopes up too much.
It seemed like hours before the ultrasound tech. finally arrived. The nurses rolled my bed into the ultrasound room and there we saw the baby. We did a vaginal ultrasound and the lady confirmed no heartbeat. The baby was measuring nine weeks and I was suppose to be 13 weeks. She couldn't have been more sad for me. She told me sorry several times and even gave me a hug and told me she would be praying for me. I asked her for some pictures of the baby and she gave me three pictures. The doctor told me that she thought the baby would pass by the end of the weekend, but if I was having plum size clots, to make sure I go back in.
We got home around 11 pm after stopping by the pharmacy to get my pain meds... I couldn't sleep well that night, as I'm sure you could imagine. My daycare moms have been so amazing and have been there for me every step of the way. I took work off Friday and my sister-in-law took my girls. My husband stayed home Friday with me. We woke up around nine and I decided that I didn't want to stay home all day and just "think" about it. My body felt normal and I wasn't cramping so we decided to "get away". We headed out of town to Lawrence and Olathe. We have been talking about trading in our van for quite some time and we thought maybe we would go look at some vehicles. Well, we ended up trading in our van for a 2007 Saturn Outlook. We are in love with it. It was really nice to be able to get away and not think about reality for awhile.
My sister-in-law insisted keeping the girls one more night, and that was fine with me...I was nervous that I wouldn't be a very good mom to them if I was going to be in pain. We did meet them Friday night for dinner and I got to give my girls big hugs, which was very needed. I don't know how Abi knew, kids are just smart. Maybe she overheard us talking, but she told her Aunt Charity, "Mommy's baby is gone now, but it's ok because I prayed for her."
The next morning, Saturday (today, March 14) I woke up around 9 am again. I was worrying about not being able to pass the baby naturally. After all, we don't have insurance and I didn't want to have to worry about more bills. I started praying that God would allow this baby to come out naturally and that my body would just start doing the process. Soon after, I continually started cramping, having sharp vaginal pains and contractions every 30 seconds to a minute apart. About 10 am I called Chris into the room and he got me some pain meds and got me a small something to eat. My stomach started to growl and I felt this detachment, almost like when your water would break, but no water.
I told Chris I had to go to the bathroom, and when I went there was a ton of blood in the toilet. I couldn't flush it...I tried to fish out anything that would resemble a baby, but there was nothing. We ended up flushing it, and my husband went to get a bowl. He placed the bowl in the toilet and I sat back down. I started pushing a little and sat there for about 10 minutes. There were several clots in the bowl and we decided to inspect it. As we were looking at it, Chris saw the baby. It was the saddest moment we have ever shared. We hugged for awhile and cried together. I sat back on the toilet and the placenta came out. I started feeling hot and got light headed. I felt like I was going to throw up. I laid down on the bed. We couldn't flush the baby down the toilet. It was not going to happen. Chris called his aunt and uncle who have some land out near Oskaloosa and they agreed that we could bury the baby there. My mom and step-dad drove up and my aunt and uncle and my cousins came. His family was there too. It was so special. We had a little ceremony which really helped with closure. Although, I almost couldn't stand seeing my baby being buried, I knew this was what had to happen. My husband and I put the baby on a rose petal and into a wooden box with our picture on it. We wrote, "We love you, Baby Tomlinson" on the box. and then we put that box into a metal box with a teddy bear and blanket. I took several pictures that I would love to share with you all, but I'm not sure it's the right time to do that.
If you would like to see some more pictures, please let me know. I would love to share them. It can be very emotional for some to see and I don't want to trigger any of those emotions, although maybe I already have. I want to thank you all for all your support and all your love. This is definitely one of the most difficult times in our lives and some of you have done so much to make it as easy as possible for us. You ladies are near and dear to me. I can't thank you enough. I know it's hard to know what to say. I never knew what to say to moms who had to experience this. There are truly no words, but it means so much that you all are thinking about me and praying for me. ♥
